Swift: Travel Sharks cackle adult highway miles with lethal determination

Don’t we hatred when we comprehend that a high-maintenance traveler is indeed you? This is what occurred to me final week, while pushing opposite Minnesota with several family members. They apparently are Travel Sharks. we am a Travel Labradoodle (or perhaps, “Traveldoodle.”)

Travel Sharks are emotionless, laser-focused and single-minded in their quest. Their office is to cackle adult miles and strech their chase — their end — with speed and accuracy. All other systems close down to assist in their pursuit. With black, dead-eyed stares, they omit normal tellurian functions — hunger, thirst, boredom, oddity — to get to their destination.

This could be a usually reason as to because they never indispensable to stop. Did they have bladders as large as yoga balls? Didn’t anyone need a snack? What about that place, called “The World’s Second-Coolest Toy Shop,” that we usually gathering by? It’s a world’s second-coolest, people. What, you’ll usually stop if it’s THE world’s coolest?

Hey, what about that interesting-looking billboard? How mostly do we get to see a Jesse Ventura statue built out of recycled gum?


Even my brother’s pickup seemed to be in on it. It’s a giant, black, extended-cab truck, nonetheless we never indispensable to stop for gas. Did it have a 400-gallon tank? Had my hermit somehow managed to wean it off gas? Was it now fueled usually by tenacity, integrity and GPS?

For my ADHD brain, it’s not as most about a end as it is a trip. There’s so most to see, feel and experience. It’s all we can do to not hang my conduct out of a window and let my tongue strap in a wind.

Do we smell hamburgers? Should we bellow during that bold longhorn terrier who usually cut us off? That pointer pronounced “Pie,” didn’t it? Look during that tree! Are we there yet? The object feels so good on my pelt. Ohmigosh, CHIPMUNK!

Although lifted by Travel Sharks — led by lead shark Pat “I Think We Can Get from Florida to Wisconsin Today” Swift — we didn’t comprehend until most after that we was a Traveldoodle. Once we was no longer sailing in packs, we began to see that a pace, arena and attainment time were totally adult to me.

I was desirous by married friends, Hazel and Harley, who seemed to perspective expostulate time as partial of a adventure, contra a melancholic camber of time squandered in your bid to get where we unequivocally wanted to be.

First off, we was vacant during how most junk food they bought for a journey. We were sailing opposite North Dakota by Corolla, not channel a Sierra Nevada by mule. Car-dining had always been disheartened in a Swift family truckster, generally after a part we now gravely impute to as a Nutter Butter Cheesecake Incident, that concerned a dessert somewhat past a prime, a sailing box of stomach influenza and a carpet-shampoo office so ginormous that it roughly burnt out Mom’s Kirby.

But Hazel and Harley not usually bought several family-sized bags of popcorn and chips, they stopped during each Dairy Queen, Caribou Coffee or parochial cafeteria in sight. They also stopped:

  • At a farmers markets and bought pumpkins (which unequivocally tested a ability of a Corolla already packed with people, luggage and Cheetos).
  • To conclude each giant, petrify animal located along I-94 from Fargo to Beach, N.D.
  • To emporium during one antique store, 3 truck-stop present shops and a preservation store.

Of course, a tour took 8 hours and 57 mins instead of a common 5 and a half hours, and we had to leave a pumpkins by a highway when Hazel bought a coffee list in Glendive, Mont.

Hey, it was possibly them or me.

Readers can strech columnist Tammy Swift during tswiftsletten@gmail.com.

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